How to Find and Create Uncommon Brotherhood

Show me Men without other Men in their lives I’ll show you Men in trouble.

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Dr. Octavious Bishop

The Problem

According to a study released by US News & World Report ((https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2019-03-11/1-in-3-young-adults-suffers-from-loneliness-in-us)) nearly one in three American young adults suffer from loneliness.

How do we define loneliness? According to the Cigna survey, “Twenty-seven percent of Americans rarely or never feel like there are people who understand them. Only 27 percent feel they belong to a group of friends, and 24 percent report they can find companionship when they want it. Additionally, 1 in 5 Americans rarely, if ever, feel close to others, and only about half, 53 percent, report having meaningful, in-person social interactions with friends or family on a daily basis.”((https://www.cigna.com/assets/docs/newsroom/loneliness-survey-2018-full-report.pdf))((https://www.cigna.com/assets/docs/newsroom/loneliness-survey-2018-infographic.pdf?WT.z_nav=newsroom%2Floneliness-survey%3BBody%3BShare%20the%20infographics))

According to Cigna, “Generation Z (ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation and claims to be in worse health than older generations.” ((https://cigna.newshq.businesswire.com/press-release/cignas-us-loneliness-index-provides-actionable-insights-improving-body-and-mind))

If you take women out of the equation, the statistics for men only get worse. Nearly one in eight U.S. men say they have ZERO friends they can confide in truthfully with their deepest confidences. Who then, as men, can we turn to for accountability and advice with our biggest struggles? “Ourselves” is a scary answer because we should know that we are our own worst counselors. We can rationalize the worst of our actions when only accountable to our own egos.

Earlier this year I had an amazing experience in Breckenridge, Colorado with some fellow Christian men from LifeAustin, a LifeFamily Church located on the Southwest side of Austin. For four days, we challenged each other physically, mentally and spiritually, but most importantly, we built new friendships. It was exactly what I needed to strengthen my new faith and confirm my decision to abandon any ideas of Agnosticism that I previously held for my adult life. As a man that’s been solely career focused for the last 20+ years, this was an opportunity for me to begin to build some bonds of brotherhood with my fellow men…whom I didn’t know at all when we left Austin.

What is Uncommon Brotherhood?

Uncommon brotherhood is the antidote to self-deception. It is a connection similar in many ways to a good marriage where there is intimacy and trust. Some call it “brotherly love”, but there’s also the accountability piece that comes with it. It exists in some locker rooms, and it exists in some Fraternities but, at least statistically speaking, it’s rare.

In our lives, we men have three types of people:

• Acquaintances – They’re neighbors, they’re fellow churchgoers, the people you wave to and acknowledge but they aren’t the people we share our secrets or our hearts. These are the people that may attend your funeral.
• Friends – We can be ourselves with friends. They know us and they make us feel like we belong. Our friends will be the ones speaking at our funeral.
• Uncommon Brothers – With these types of men a different dynamic is unpacked. There’s a deep awareness and commitment to succeed together in that season of life. They refuse to let you struggle alone. They help you be a better “you” by bringing out they very best in you that you might not have even known you had in you. They help you WIN when you might have lost. These men will be your pallbearers because they’ve already carried you through your roughest patches of life.

How Do We Connect?

Brotherhood is always the first thing to get squeezed out, isn’t it? I mean, when it really comes down to it, even those of us that strive to become the most like Christ, still wind up putting our careers, chores & honey-do’s ahead of most everything else. We come home at night, exhausted from the grind, too tired to focus on being the proper fathers and spouses that we know we should be, and the last thing on our mind is spending time with our male friends.

The fact is, we men need each other in our lives, but we don’t always know how to connect. As a father, I am amazed at our easily my two boys can make new friends in an instant on the playground. As an adult, it has gotten a lot more difficult. As we have lived our lives, we’ve been hurt, and as men we refuse to allow others to see our pain. Therein lies the problem and the solution. Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Fear is always about ourselves and protecting our EGO. In order to connect with others, we must be willing to kill our ego.

The foundation for uncommon brotherhood comes from knowing that our brokenness humbles us out of our own self-sufficiency. Knowing that we are beloved sons of God affirms us and displaces our fear of transparency to our fellow man. This foundation cannot be built without the raw, honest, testimony from both sides being laid to bare. The individual pride and ego must be set on fire as a sacrifice in order to connect with others. Only once we can trust one another can we begin to forge true, uncommon brotherhood.

Humility is the God given self-assurance that eliminates the need to prove the worth of who you are and the righteousness of what you do.

James Ryle

The freedom of the innocence of looking at another person for who they really are, without shame, was taken from us in the fall of man. Now, in order to protect ourselves, we must warn each other every day and protect one another from sin and being further separated from God. When that type of accountability is built on the foundation of honesty, that is where uncommon brotherhood can truly be found.

Uncommon Brotherhood = High Challenge + High Encouragement

Who then is providing us the challenge to our fellow men? Who is providing the encouragement when we’re down? We need to unite with brothers that will remind us that they have faith in us even, and especially, when we don’t have it in ourselves.

They will also truthfully, and lovingly point out some areas for improvement. The biggest flaws are the ones that we’re blind to and they are the ones that cost us the most.

Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy

Warren Wiersbe

My recommendation? Look for men’s groups in your areas that will challenge you. It may be physically, it could be intellectually, or it could be spiritually, but ideally of course, it will be a combination of all three.

The first church I really connected with in the Austin area was LifeAustin. I was immediately drawn in by the music since that’s always been a passion of mine, but lead pastor Randy Phillip’s messages really stood out to me. He finally clarified the Good News and made it connect in my brain for the first time. The gospel finally seemed to carry a message that I was interested in hearing.

As I was beginning to develop my faith further, I quickly connected to their men’s group, aptly named, LifeMen.

R.T. Phillips and Octavious Bishop help host this great program that hosts a monthly “Big O” & Friends BBQ, regular motivational speakers on the first Sunday night and Monday morning of each month, and small group studies that dive into some tough issues that affect every man at one point or another. (I’m really looking forward to studying CORE with R.T. & a new group of men later this year.)

At roughly the same time, through the Boy Scouts of America, I was able to connect with a network of fellow athletes in the Rough Hollow Mens Fitness Exchange. We don’t all attend the same church, but every Tuesday and Thursday morning, after an hour’s worth of strenuous, boot camp style, high intensity interval training (HIIT) exercises, we end our sessions, just as the sun is rising, and begin our days with a devotion and prayer.

With the church’s men’s group, we push each other spiritually and engage in sports as a secondary activity, and with the boot camp group, we push each other physically and share a common connection in Jesus Christ. With both groups I’ve found men that I can confidently share my heart and be supported and yet encouraged by both truth and love.

With that combination, you can’t help but find overwhelming peace and joy in your life that you too can pass along to others, and that really is Good News worth sharing.

Conclusion / TL;DR

Men need other men in their lives. Finding true, meaningful, positive and encouraging friendships isn’t easy and takes a lot of work. The first step is always the hardest.

How many good friends do you have in your life that you can confide in 100% and trust to be there for you in a time of deep need? Maybe a more insightful question is this: When was the last time you were there for a friend in need and did whatever it took to help him make it through?

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📚 See my full reading list → 24 books that rebuilt my life, each with a personal note on why it mattered.